MESSIAN DREAD PERSONAL UPDATE JULY 19, 2009
WWW, July 2009 - After having been unable to update the site for a week or so, I finally found the opportunity to write a personal update in which I hope to be able to share something about the things I went through these last times, as well as my current status.
This is not easy: how to share some private things without touching the privacy of others around me, and myself? I have to do it, though. For when private matters have such an influence that I am unable to update the Dubroom as I hope to do, I feel I have to share some things still.
I'm usually quite reluctant in sharing things about my private life, especially when this involves other people around me. Loved ones, friends, family, where none of them have anything to do with the Dubroom persay. A few instances wherein loved ones around me were personally harassed, threatened and insulted because my online works made me come to that decision.
Usually, I manage to separate my private life and that of the loved ones around me from the works I do in and on the Dubroom. By working ahead, sometimes even a month, I managed to balance between traveling to and from a different continent several times, where I was unable to update the website because of other obligations.
I've been in this situation for a long time. When I was here, in the Netherlands, I worked hard to get the Dubroom ready for the times I would be abroad. The rest of my time was completely livicated to a personal and private matter, in which I've had a lot of intense and learning experiences.
Woody Allen once said: "If you wanna make God laugh, tell Him about your plans". I definitely had other plans than Jah, for flying airplanes and facing all these absurd security and immigration issues isn't really one of my hobbies. I thought I would be spending a few years building up a studio right here, but instead I would have an experience that I will never forget.
That particular experience has recently, very recently I might add, come to an end. Fortunately, I will no longer have to take the plane and I can, Jah willing, start to build further here, locally, in the Dubroom.
Things have been hectic like never before, especially the last few weeks. Things which I had expected to happen in the beginning of May, suddenly all came down around the middle of July. Important meetings, unforeseeable complications, I could hardly face the things I had to face.
All of this resulted in the fact that I was simply unable to even leave a message on the Dubroom saying something like I am saying in this update. I would wake up, start to deal with the situations about 20 minutes after, and I would be dealing, worrying and praying for the rest of the day, until I would go to sleep.
This stress has really taken it's toll now that once again I have seen how Jah is in control. I see Him controlling everything. I see Him working on me to make me realize I should fear Him, that I am depending on Him, and also: that He wants to use me.
I was very much unsure, as on one hand I feared Jah and hoped that the things I did were His will, where on the other hand I knew I needed to trust Jah too. I discovered to a much deeper level, where that fear and trust would actually meet in the spiritual spectrum of things: it is within His will.
I made a lot of plans, and I made Jah laugh about them all the time. I see that in retrospect. I see, how He is in control and does things His own way. It's not about me doing a thing for Jah at all, and so I realized I had to let go the idea that I could plan anything that can be considered the Will of Jah.
These last times, I faced what seemed to be unovercomeable problems and obstacles many times. Every time I thought I found a way out, that door was closed. And indeed: every time, another door opened. Supernaturally, even.
It was not, that I did not believe that Jah can and will interfere directly and obviously for those with eyes to see. I mean, just take a look at the universe: would the Creator be unable to fulfill His will? That in itself is so ridiculous that I don't even wanna go further commenting to that idea.
It was this: I was very much afraid, that I was not doing Jah will at all! As people encouraged me to trust Jah, I said to myself: "How can I trust Jah to do what I prayed for when I'm not sure if it is what He wants in the first place?"
Jah showed me, however, to step out of myself as it were. He showed me, that in all the things I was involved in, I was actually not doing my own things at all! Sure, I made plans and all that, but most of them turned out to be kind of absurd when I see in retrospect just how the problems I faced were actually solved. No, He gradually showed me how He was using me in a thing that was much bigger, a thing that has to do with His will.
More and more, I realized how I was more of a witness than an actual participant with own initiatives. I went through the belly of the beast several times, just to hear how that beast could do nothing but bark. In the valley of shadows, I feared evil no more as I saw how Jah was with me showing me more of His enormous power.
Jah doesn't give any (wo)man more than (s)he can bear. I can testify this to the max. Just a week ago, I was at end of my ability to absorb anything. I had kind of lost most of my energy, even to the extend that eating and drinking became too difficult!
I had one thing left, which was: trust. Trusting in Jah. Trusting, that He would simply do His will in front of my eyes where me I could do nothing but realizing my own inabilities. I feared Jah because I knew that my will is irrelevant when it comes to Jah's will, but I learned that I had to trust in the fact that indeed, Jah Will Be Done.
Now that I saw just a little bit about how His will is done, I'm moving forward from the valley of shadows to the green pastures where I am being made to lay down as He comforts my soul and gives me strength.
I just found the strength to write this update. Yes, that's how bad it was. And yes, that's how Good Jah is! He taught me some crucial lessons and now He makes me to lay down for a while so I can meditate over everything that has happened.
I know, that I need some time to recover physically. I hope, that I can be able to do some things somewhere within the next two weeks. In the meantime, I hope you'll stay with me as I try to answer correspondence, work on some interesting material, et cetera.
One Love, Give Thanks,
Messian Dread
